Feelings help.

"Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan'" (otto-the-croatian) 11/11/2019 at 17:21 • Filed to: oppositelock, feelings

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Yo Oppo, a bit out of character for me, but here goes: How do you forget a girl? We had a thing, but due to many reasons, we can’t be together. Not her fault - family, cultural, life choices and many other, sadly unavoidable obstacles stand firm, so us isn’t an option. We knew this but went ahead anyway, thinking that we’ll have some fun together while we can and then split up. Well, naively, I got in to deep, it ended, and now my heart is in a thousand pieces.

She has since moved away across an ocean for some time, and we agreed on basically no contact. She has also found someone else, who she can be with, and who she can have a future with without obstacles. I’m incredibly happy for her, and she deserves the best dude in the entire world. I want her to be infinitely happy. I’ve never actually been happy for someone else, you know? You’re always glad that someone’s happy and smiling, but I’ve never felt something like this in my entire life. When she smiles, for any reason - even when I imagine her happy with someone else - I feel like my heart is warm. I feel such immeasurable joy when I see her smile. I’ve never felt something so extreme .

But then again, at the same time... When I think of her kissing some other dude, it feels like a squarebody Suburban pulling my heart with chains at 100 miles per hour.

During last week I realized that I just work, look at memes, play videogames and drive and fix the Twingo. I eat like 6 big meals a day ‘cause it’s an excuse to just watch a show and zone out. I just don’t care what happens, which might become a problem.

I’m thinking about her constantly, she’s perfect in every way. I can see her both as a lifelong partner, and a best friend. I have since tried dating, to take my mind and heart somewhere else. B ut I feel wrong being with one person, while having someone else my mind. I t just feels unfair from my side , so I got out of that. I guess I need more time, because right now, I seriously think I’ll never be able to give myself to anyone, I think that I’ll stay emotionally unavailable forever, because she was the one . And I don’t even care how corny that sounds.

I feel like I’m at a tipping point - I’ve realized how I feel and I’ve finally become aware of what I’m doing wrong (eating, no excercize, avoiding social events to stay home, etc.). I’m also starting to consciously overeat and wallow in my shitty moods, instead of doing something active to get over it. I think now’s the time to do something drastic to move on. I haven’t done regular excercize for years, and I’m afraid that I’ll j us t fail miserably if I try to both eat healthy and start working out at the same time. And if I do just one, I’m afraid it’ll take years to see any improvement, so then I decide not to do it if I won’t see a change soon. I dunno.

Did you have any similar experiences Oppo? I’d love to hear your thoughts and if someone felt something like this. How did you deal with this ?
Is this a bit extreme or a normal thing to happen? I’ve had longer relationships start and end, but I’ve never cared this much about a person.

Thank you for your time, I don’t usually talk about stuff I feel, it feels like I’m annoying or a burden to my co-talkers. Not just on Oppo, but to anyone. Thanks!

Pictured: Oppo carrying my problems.

Cash Rewards > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 18:14

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Im lucky enough to not have advice for you, but I'm impressed with what you wrote here. You got enough self awareness to write all this down and be realistic with yourself you're doing alright

Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 18:25

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Thanks for sharing. I haven’t had the experience but time is what you need. Do other fun stuff to take your mind off of her. You cearly pointed out that you can’t go back, she moved on and so you need to do the same.

Its easier said than done but that’s basically your path forward . Shitty path but the only one until you heal and find someone new. Someone  will give you the same feels again.

TheRevanchist > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 18:33

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Similar here, back when I was in my early 20's. These kind of feelings are hard to get past and pretty much blow . Here is my advice:

First, don’t try to date anyone else right now. No matter what you do, you will be still in a mourning for your loss, and that will affect you and whoever you date, should you find someone. That’s just unfair to anyone else, and you don’t want to make another person feel bad if it remotely become serious and you say the wrong name during more intimate times (regrets, man, regrest ).

You need something to occupy your time. Volunteering is something easy that comes to mind. I say volunteering because it’s helpful to others, and should make you feel a little better about yourself.

Start weightlifting. When you are pushing that weight up, imagine how it will feel when putting that fucker she is kissing now through a fucking wall. Harness that anger. It motivates, and it works out that aggression that is bottled up. I got up to benching 305 max and doing the stacks on most of the machines. It felt good and the ladies at work noticed (and probably felt) the arms, which helped a bit with the depression & self-esteem.

Events: Start going to more things. Car shows. Musicals. Festivals.

Avoid depressants, like alcohol. I know. Not realistic for a lot of people, but just a suggestion.

Cry. Just let that out. Don’t be afraid to hold a pillow/cat/dog and cry.

However, these things won’t stop the pain. Nothing will. You just need to acknowledge it and find a new happy place over time.

Good luck, Otto.

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Chan - Mid-engine with cabin fever 11/11/2019 at 18:36

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Thanks, I hope someone comes along. I’m not a very dependent person, I’m ok with solitude. Well, usually. We’ll see what comes first - someone else or my own piece.

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Cash Rewards 11/11/2019 at 18:38

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Thank you for that ! I was afraid to share something like this, but I’m not disappointed. It actually feels good to share something like this.

OPPOsaurus WRX > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 18:40

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TLdr it all.... But I'm thinking some exercise will help you feel better

TheTurbochargedSquirrel > TheRevanchist 11/11/2019 at 18:48

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I agree with going out to events with one additional thing: make it something that you want to do but not something you would have done with her. You go to something that you would have brought her to and all its going to do is make you feel worse. Pick one of your interests that you didn’t share with her and go do that.

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 18:50

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“She has also found someone else, who she can be with,”

You need to do what she did... find someone else who you can be with.

“I’m thinking about her constantly, she’s perfect in every way.”

Nobody is that perfect. You’re remembering your time with her with rose-tinted glasses. I’m guessing you never lived with her and thus, never saw any of the warts, literal or metaphorical.

“I have since tried dating, to take my mind and heart somewhere else.”

I suggest you keep trying that. But go in with the idea that who you meet might only be a friend... which is okay for the present. The best way to move on is to do activities with other people... not necessarily with another girlfriend.

“But I feel wrong being with one person, while having someone else my mind.”

It’s not wrong.

“ because she was the one .”

I remember feeling that way about 5 different women at different times in my past. I’ve had more relationships than 5, but the 5 I’m thinking of left a big/bigger/more memorable impact on me... for better or worse.

In all 5 cases, life went on after it ended and things eventually got better.

Also, while I thought they were “the one”, in hindsight, I wasn’t “the one” or I stopped being “the one” for one reason or another.

And one of those cases was a “can’t be together” situation like yours.

Conversely, I’ve been in a few relationships where I was enjoying myself, but I didn’t consider the person I was with to be “the one”... but in at least a couple of cases, they considered me to be The One... and I’m pretty sure about that since they were pressuring me to get married.

When things end, my own strategy is to talk about it with friends and family. And also getting out of the house and doing stuff either on my own or with others is also a good thing.

And I take a “having fun” approach to dating... in that I plan dates that involve activities I would enjoy doing by myself or with a regular friend.

I’ve gained some good friends that way as well.

I’ve found that every relationship and every breakup is unique.

And some are more memorable than others. Some hurt more than others. And it has ranged from hurting a lot to “Meh... I was expecting it to end soon anyway”.

I’m in my mid 40s now. I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship last August and started a new one about a month ago.

These days, I’m still mostly positive about relationships, but I’m mentally prepared for something to go wrong and it ending for one reason or another.

Consider as well that being single doesn’t mean “being alone” as you likely still have friends and family to lean on for times like this.

Maxima Speed > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 19:02

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It’s kinda hard for me to give advice but I can tell you you’re not alone. While you think that ther is only ONE match out there and that you’ve lost her, the truth is there is a whole world of people out there and there’s a good chance you find another who is a true match for you as well. The thing is that I remind myself of. If there really is one perfect match that ONE will work out because you will both match enough that it will work. If it didn’t work than she wasn’t a perfect match. To be honest it took me many many many years to get over my first love. That was an immature love, a crush that turned into a dream combined with her being something I couldn’t have made it hard. I took that one hard and it wasn’t healthy. When I actually found someone I thought was a match she died before I could get really close. That one will always hurt and I’ll always miss her, but I recognize that I have my life and that I have to go on and make the most of what I do have. In many ways I don’t have the experiences that you’ve had but I guess I’m saying is that I understand how you feel. Don’t get so  caught up by what could have been that you lose sight of the life you can have if you go out and get it.

nermal > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 19:17

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You need to accept that everything happened the way it did. Don’t long for better days, or wish it were different, or wonder what could have been. Things happened in the order they did, and now here you are. That’s it. You will get absolutely nowhere if you do not come to terms with this.

She was not “the one, ” or even “the one that got away.” She was the one that was there for a period of time, but is no longer there any more so now you need to get on with finding the actual one.

There are no mind tricks to play on yourself to make accepting things any easier. However, the longer that you wait and the more you devolve into unhealthy habits, the worse things will get for you in all manner of your existence, not just romantically. So hurry up. You can do it! 

wafflesnfalafel > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 19:18

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H urts like a sob, but I believe it’s supposed to... I was a freakin’ wreck for weeks when my first, adult , “the one” didn’t work out. And don’t underestimate the healing power of physical activity, regardless what it is. Regardless of health reasons those endorphins are some good sh!t.

f86sabre > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 19:51

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Take care of yourself. Watch your habits and get rest. Sink into the things that you enjoy for a bit as long as they are healthy. Volunteer , find some elderly folks that need company over the holidays and get out.  

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Maxima Speed 11/11/2019 at 20:24

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If it didn’t work than she wasn’t a perfect match.

This makes sense. By “ the one” I don’t mean something unfathomable or mystic, I just feel like we were matched perfectly. But reading this puts me back on the ground and makes me think that more of it is in my head than it is fact. I hope.
Thank you, and I’m sorry for what you went through as well.

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 11/11/2019 at 20:33

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Thank you for going into more detail! I like that attitude - to try dating more casually and with an open mind. I tried that with the other girl after, but it was just too early I think. By now I’d be able to do something like that again - a casual thing, keeping in mind having fun more than building a romantic relationship. I think that’s doable - provided that the other party feels the same way in how they approach me, as well. But that’s not a big stretch, it’s possible to find someone with the same outlook.

Well anyways, I’m not looking for another relationship, but if an opportunity pops up I won’t pass it by.

Oh, and seeing how you felt about “the one” 5 times is kind of a relief, tbh.
Do you think the strength of how you felt grew with each one, (1<5) or was it the same sort of feeling each time? I hope that question makes sense - did the intensity of how you felt grow with each person? That would sort of make sense, because if it was the same thing, I can’t help but wonder if you would remember the previous person and realise that it was similar?

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > TheTurbochargedSquirrel 11/11/2019 at 20:35

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This makes sense, too. I have a lot of things which I didn’t share with her, so that will be easy to do. And yeah, right now I really should avoid some “ triggers”, for lack of a better term, places or activities which bring back the fresh memories and knock me out of wack. Thanks

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > TheRevanchist 11/11/2019 at 20:41

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Sorry for your intimate regrets, I didn’t do as bad with this other girl after but I had that risk in the back of my mind, tbh, and I couldn’t relax. So I see where you’re coming from, I’ll take the advice. And as you said, I went into the second relationship afterwards thinking it was casual and a fling to keep my mind busy, but if I let it grow just a little bit longer, I would hurt the other girl. I was smart enough to end it in time, with minimal damage to her and that was a relief.

I don’t have a soft spot for depressants (except food lol) like alcohol or anything stronger, so I’ll be safe on that side. I’ll go out more and do stuff that’s fun for me.

Thank you a lot, and thank you to everyone else as well for so many nice comments and tips. I really appreciate it.

RallyWrench > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/11/2019 at 21:13

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To simply answer the first, bold question: You won’t. Open your heart up to that speeding Suburban, make room so it does minimal damage on its way through. It might even stay in there and crash around for awhile, but eventually you’ll get behind the wheel and drive it out of there yourself.

You’ll think or be reminded of her for the rest of your life, and sometim es you’ll think, in a wistful way, “Man, she was great. Wonder what could have been...” You may even run into her later and have a momentary, private flood of emotion that you keep to yourself .   But you’ll be older, wiser, more experienced in life and heartbreak , so you won’t get hung up on it and you’ll happily go on with your life.

In the now, throw yourself at something that makes you happy, really happy, that’s not eating or drinking too much. You might not even know what it is yet. If you have good friends around, they’ll help you here and invite you to do things, which you should say yes to. Hopefully you’ll find   something that requires sustained focus and allows you to take your mind off her for extended periods of time . If that’s physical activity, all the better - you can heal your mind and body together,and maybe even find a level of fitness you didn’t know you could achieve. Enjoy your youth and freedom, take this time to be your best self, and define who that is.

Don’t pursue anyone. When you’re happy, mentally available and open, they’ll come along when it’s time and you’ll know. If you’re under 25, your brain isn’t even done developing yet, and that’s not a knock; it’s stuff like this that forms adulthood resilience. Don’t worry about a failed relationship, but understand that you can make every one in the future better. 

Others have already said this, buy you’re ahead of the game in that you’re self aware enough to acknowledge your feelings and weaknesses, even open up about them. Maybe j ust writing this out and opening yourself up here was therapeutic in a way. That’s a big step, man! I speak from experience when I say that internalizing such stresses is not sustainable. Opening up is hard. N ot doing so has been a great failing of mine, so I’m glad you’re not making that mistake. Believe in yourself, define yourself, enjoy your youth, and move forward. All the best!

Hamtractor > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/12/2019 at 09:51

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Gym first, establish a routine. After three months, you should be feeling pretty tangible gainz. Then fix diet. Not go on a diet, change your eating lifestyle, cleaner and cleaner every couple of weeks. You will find, after a month or so of regular gym time, it gets easier to go, and within 60 days, you will find that it’s harder NOT to go. That will make the dietary changes easier to swallow (lol, pun intended) as you find some comfort in the discipline required in the gym and the kitchen. Won’t be long before you’re too busy being a damned machine to wallow anymore.

You gotta find love for yourself, and for life, before you can get over a broken heart, much less find somebody new...

Manwich - now Keto-Friendly > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/12/2019 at 11:44

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“Do you think the strength of how you felt grew with each one, (1<5) or was it the same sort of feeling each time?”

I found that every relationship has its unique feel. And the reasons why I thought they might be The One also varied.

In the very first case, I was very young, very naive and it was my first love.

In another case, it was someone I had known through work for a long time, but nothing happened as we were both married at the time. But fast forward 10 years and we were both divorced and we were talking and she felt really down about things around Valentines Day. So I took her out as a friend for a Valentines Day dinner... and it was wonderful... and it became romantic. And then 3 months later, she broke up with me saying she needed her “me time”... which really pissed me off.

In the case of the woman I married, going in I had assumed that 1. any problem we ran into could be worked out logically (that was false - which led to things ending) and 2. I wouldn’t meet anyone as pretty or have better sex with (also false).

I have also found that different women have brought out different things in me. In one relationship, the woman brought out more of a ‘bad boy’ side of me. My current relationship brings out more of a tender side of me.

So in my experience, it’s at least a little different every time.

For moving forward, I prefer to try to hang onto the happy memories and have the idea that I will make new happy memories in the future.

It reminds me of the Sarah MacLaughlan song I Will Remember You:

https://songmeanings.com/songs/view/5792/

The important words for me in that song are:

Don’t let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Manwich - now Keto-Friendly 11/12/2019 at 20:01

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Oh jeez that song is the saddest thing ever, even though the lyrics are ultimately positive, like you said. But I get it, and what you’re saying. I agree that this is the most logical and constructive way to remember her and all the memories.

It’s all gonna be ok.

I have also found that different women have brought out different things in me.

This is true for me as well - admittedly with far less experience than you, but I can understand the idea. I changed a lot when I was with this last girl. Not sure if it was for her or because of her, probably a mix of both. But I’ve found that when spending time with her I’ve and suppressed my more negative and destructive emotions and thoughts. But then I started to have these moods, thoughts and emotions even when I wasn’t with her and eventually they became natural and I started to enjoy it . She really helped me mature my outlook on life.

And writing that right now - I just realized that it would be a great tribute to her (or to our relationship, and to myself) if I continued to care for that mental state of optimism and joy, like she taught me.
Yeah, this idea makes me happy.

Thank you for this exchange, when trying to explain all of this I found myself thinking about it more profoundly than before. I used to just have superficial and emotionally charged thoughts and then I would just think about something else instead. Even when writing a few short paragraphs like these I got further into it than I would on my own - because I have no fear of what’s there, just the intent of explaining it without the baggage.

Snuze: Needs another Swede > Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' 11/13/2019 at 08:31

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Bruh! The feels!

Sorry I’m late to the party on this, but I’ve been there too and it sucks. I don’t know if I have any good advice, but I can tell you what not to do, from experience. I dated a girl through most of high school and into our first year of college (we went to different schools but only about an hour apart so we still saw each other a lot). After my first year I dropped out of school and joined the Navy. That was tough but it kinda worked, then she ended up going to study abroad for a year in Germany. She called me up one day and told me she didn’t love me anymore and it absolutely devastated me. I tried to get her back but it just wasn’t happening, so I started drinking. A lot. I was pretty rarely not drunk or hungover. And if I was sober, I was out on my motorcycle being stupid and raising hell. I rarely spent time with friends and virtually never went out. If I did it was with people who were similarly self destructive. Good thing I was in the Navy at the time, where that kind of behavior is surprisingly common and acceptable. I also swore off women, I mean I actively avoided talking to women, and any time one would make advances on me (which wasn’t common, but it did happen), I was a jerk.

This all went on for about 2 years, and it was kind of a bad spiral. I started to hate her, blame her for my problems, because at the time it was easier to stop loving her and feeling for her if I started hating her, so in my mind I made her the villain. After the breakup I’d crossed paths with her a few times and I was a huge asshole to her.

At the same time I spent a lot of time in my own head and eventually, somehow, my booze addled brain made some remarkable conclusions. She wasn’t the villain per se, but the relationship didn’t work out because of her, but that was also okay. She was just needy - needed my time and attention, constantly. With that understanding I began to look back and realize our relationship wasn’t perfect, not for what it was, but for what it wasn’t. I spent 95% of my high school formative time with her and not my friends, I got too tied down too early. I also realized that I was an active participant, I chose to give her that time and attention. I couldn’t go back and change the past and my destructive behavior was an attempt to make up for all the “wild times” I didn’t have when I was busy spending time with her. I was using those activities (drinking, being a hooligan, etc.)   as a distraction but it wasn’t a healthy one.

With this new understanding I decided, eventually, I needed to rejoin society, so I started being more social, I joined a riding club, and started going out on dates again. The first few dates were casual, then I met a girl I kinda liked and we dated off-and-on for a few months, but she turned out to be CRAZY. I ended up leaving her after she cheated on me and caused a bunch of drama. I dated a bit more, and then ended up meeting me wife. We were friends are first, she’s from my hometown, so we started talking online, and then I met her one time when I was home on leave, and the rest is history.

If I can offer some insight, I’d say pat yourself on the back, you’re doing better than you think . You seem to be more self aware than a lot of people - you know your feelings are irrational, and you know some of your behavior is destructive, and you’re not trying to hide or excuse any of it . Now here’s the tricky part - humans are emotional creatures and you’re doing yourself a disservice to not let yourself feel those feelings. So let it go - be sad, cry, be mad, feel what you need to feel. You just need to do it in a healthy manner (i.e. don’t be an asshole to her or other people). And don’t let your feelings control your actions; when you’re sad you want to stop doing things and eat all the time (I get it, I have a similar thing where I “stress eat”). And you just have to actively work to replace the bad behavior with a good behavior. It’s hard and I have no good advice other than you just have to keep trying, you’ll probably fail sometimes but you just have to keep going. You’ll get through this an Oppo is always here for you.  

Otto-the-Croatian-'Whoops my Volvo is a sedan' > Snuze: Needs another Swede 11/16/2019 at 18:52

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Hey, so sorry I didn’t see your comment, I got Kinja’d.

This is great advice, if I’m smart I’ll learn on your mistakes. This is a crazy romantic history, I hope you’re happy now and in a good place.

humans are emotional creatures and you’re doing yourself a disservice to not let yourself feel those feelings. So let it go - be sad, cry, be mad, feel what you need to feel.

I’ll do this, as it seems to be the most common advice people give me. I’ll work on not ignoring the feels and face my thoughts and go deeper into it. Until I wrote this post I was only touching the surface of how I felt and I was afraid to delve deeper into the consequences of this whole experience, but talking about it genuinely helped. Thank you, it’s good to know Oppo’s got my back!